Horrible Horoscopes: Part 1, We're Having Lots Of Fun
You know those things in newspapers that show a Zodiac Sign and then predict what will happen based off of your sign? Well, that's a horoscope. Today, you will get your horoscope (exciting, I know). There's one issue with it though, it's not helpful by any means. This whole thing is just me predicting your personality based off of the day you were born. So... here goes nothing. This is "Horrible Horoscopes".
ARIES: If you're an Aries, then chances are you have a major temper and you tend to jump before thinking and shoot before asking questions. Today, you will more than likely find yourself slapping someone because they called you a sheep... and you're not a sheep, you're a ram.
TAURUS: What's bad about a Taurus? Well, to be honest, absolutely nothing. Just remember Taurus, you guys are great. You are so great, in fact, that your natural-born stubbornness makes you a great leader! Make sure to remind all of your friends this when they call you crazy because you "couldn't possibly have a communist takeover". You know who's the crazy ones? Them. Not you though, you're Taurus.
GEMINI: Your fifteenth personality named "Randy Rhodes" will manifest itself today. Try to make sure he doesn't get straight-up mutilated in a plane crash.
CANCER: Make sure to cling extra hard to the person in your life. Just remember, if they hurt you in any way, shape, or form, they will find you walking out of your room after three months of seclusion.
LEO: Make sure to remind everyone today that you are better than them. People love that, and people love you, because you are Leo... everyone loves Leo, obviously.
VIRGO: Avoid the flu! Touch knees to stay healthy!
LIBRA: Make sure to weigh your options today, like whether or not you should keep on holding that grudge or practice your Ernst Kaltenbrunner impression.
SCORPIO: Don't cry because you're a water sign, smile because you were able to start a cult and exercise Helter Skelter. Remember, your thousand-yard-stare doesn't mean you have PTSD, you're just a Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS: I don't even know what to say about you, Sagittarius... other than the fact that you are absolutely terrifying and that it is very possible that doing the extreme is always an option for you.
CAPRICORN: What would you like to be today? A crazy person or a generic Earth Sign? Whichever one you chose, everyone will know you are a Capricorn judging by how you act.
AQUARIUS: Your tenure on Earth is overdue, I believe it is time for you to return to your home planet.
PISCES: Look at that, it's my Zodiac Sign. No wonder why I'm such an emotional mess.
Wait... that's it? Tune in next week when I tell you your fate once again, as determined by the position of the planets and stars.
