Horrible Horoscopes: Part 2, Electric Boogaloo

Did someone say more Horrible Horoscopes? No? Well, we're doing it anyway.

ARIES: Come on, Aries; your temper is still out of control. Try using a stress ball today so you don't destroy something when you get into one of your blind rages.

TAURUS: Everyone still thinks you are joking when you say you'll take over the government. Make sure to remind the non-believers that Vladimir Lenin wasn't joking when he said he wanted Tsar Nicholas II and his family dead.

GEMINI: Your twenty-sixth personality named "Mackenzie Ziegler" will manifest itself today. Try to make sure she doesn't start singing about a "girl party" anytime soon.

CANCER: Your tears can provide a nice meal for when you end up locking yourself in your room again. Hey, you have to eat somehow.

LEO: People love your overt egotism! Make sure to remind them of that too, they might forget if you don't.

VIRGO: Just remember, there weren't any horrible Virgos! I mean, come on, it's not like Jared From Subway did anything bad... right?

SCORPIO: How's the cult coming along? Try giving it another three months or so, maybe when they gain your trust... then they'll drink the Kool-Aid.

SAGITTARIUS: Fire signs are known for having tempers... and you're a fire sign. Please don't get too angry.

CAPRICORN: Make sure to tell people today that you, as a Capricorn, do not have any similarities with Idi Amin. I mean... yeah, same Zodiac Sign and all... just different people... kind of.

AQUARIUS: Trappist G called, they want their Zodiac Sign back.

PISCES: You didn't have a mental breakdown today, right? If you didn't, great job, keep up the good work. However, if you did, don't bottle it all up next time. It's okay to tell people about how you feel, just remember that, okay?