Horrible Horoscopes, Part Four: I Can Bet You Don't Want Any More

Well, here we are again with another Horrible Horoscopes. As long as I remember all twelve, I should be good. So, without further ado, let's get started

Aries: You can almost see the pain in an Aries' eyes when someone says "hey, calm down, don't get too angry".

Taurus: Communism is never the answer; calm down, Taurus.

Gemini: Your twenty-second personality known as "Charles Holley" will manifest itself today. Try to make sure he doesn't blame all of his problems on Norman Petty anytime soon.

Cancer: Cancer isn't good... the disease, I'm talking about the disease.

Leo: You know what happens to Pisces every time she bottles up her emotions? Yeah, don't do that.

Virgo: Chances are, a Virgo's final will and testament will read "bury me in Wet Naps".

Libra: More than likely, when you're listing off the twelve Zodiac Signs, you will forget about mentioning Libra. I mean, come on, even I did.

Scorpio: You have so far "recruited" over three-hundred people to join your cult, now all you have to do is get about one million more and then try to take over the government... and then the world.

Sagittarius: No, Sagittarius, we don't approve of you considering Napoleon from George Orwell's "Animal Farm" a "great roll model"; please reconsider your life choices.

Capricorn: You are down-right insane. No more, no less.

Aquarius: Ayn Rand was an Aquarius... which is easily about the least surprising thing I've heard in the last three months.

Pisces: If you happen to run into a Pisces that is extremely toxic and doesn't know how to keep a friendship to save their lives, then that Pisces was probably not born between the dates of February twenty-ninth and March third... just saying.

Okay y'all, that's it. I hope you enjoyed this week's installment of "Horrible Horoscopes".